dear mom,
it has been a while... today is january 7th, 2014.
lately, within the past few weeks, i have been more frequently remembering you! i always remember you... but this is different! i have been having, what i can only label as, flashbacks... somedays they are numerous in one day, other times a few a week... they are memories of random things, some happy, some sad, some just a memory of an event... usually i would remember little to nothing of some of these events, as it may have been a random something that happened, yet just because you were there, it is like a tender mercy that i get to replay it in my head... it is something amazing and awesome, especially because it is like i get to have you with me for but a second of time... however, then the realization of reality becomes heart breaking because i then know that i can no longer have these kinds of moments with you ever again, in this life...
these occurrences are becoming more frequent... i am not sure if this is because february 22nd is qucikly approaching... or if there is just a coincidence... or maybe because it is a new year... you know me... i love the new year! a chance and excuse to evaluate, dejunk and reorganized! but having a new year as made me think in a different light too... this is a year without you in it! you existed in 2013, but never in 2014! ...crushed!
as i was driving home last night from costco i thought about how one of these random moments happened... on one of your many visits here to oceanside we went to costco... as we were checking out and buying our goods, i remember we were laughing and smiling, at who knows what, but the worker, whom i have seen many times while there, said, "what are you lovely ladies up to today?" ...this is something so random and with not much significance, i dont think i would have ever really committed this particular moment to memory... something seemingly small and that lasted all of a few seconds of time as a random conversation exchange... ...yet as soon as i saw this worker last night, as he helped the people to the register to the side of me... this moment came to mind! it was a great reminder of your laugh, your smile and your friendly nature as i relived, for a moment, the past event. as i recounted the moment again in the car ride home, it even brought a tear to my eye, realizing how much i miss even the most insignificant of moments...
i feel that i am blessed with many tender mercies... one that i had no idea would be such a lasting and iconic effect on me is the dandelion... i had literally no idea that taking the picture of the dandelions in the hospital would mean so much to me more than just that day... on that day, i needed the symbolism of what it meant to me... however, it has become even more meaningful, symbolic and iconic to me as every day passes! and not just for me, but many others! every dandelion is a welcomed sign of your existence, but some mean more than others... our front yard is frequented with dandelions, which of course i love... but the best are the ones that you find or are sent without warning... whether by my own eyes or by someone elses they always seem to be an answer to a silent heart felt or heart broken prayer! my heart swells as i write about it now... but it is the most astonishing thing, to walk around a corner or have one appear in a moment or space that was not expected! how grateful i am to such wonderful hearts that make such moments a possibility!
mom, love you always and forever
xoxo
-e
